you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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