my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
