My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
