I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
