last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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