as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
