I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
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I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
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Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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