he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
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A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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