one word: firstdatebathroomanal
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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