Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
