you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
