tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
