Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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