remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Two words: blizzard sex
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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