If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
