We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
