Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
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Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
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My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
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