This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
