yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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