At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
