Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
