You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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