Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
