tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
