so let's talk penis.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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