i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
