also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
