My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
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It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
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Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
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