So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
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Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
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Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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