Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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