he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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