and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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