Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
