C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
