YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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