at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
When are your genitals available?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
