I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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