We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
