I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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