my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
