"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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