The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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