Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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