she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
