Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
