Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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