We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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