did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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