yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
