Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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