i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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