i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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