I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
