wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
